Trooper Chat #5: The not so Apette Chronicle ep.
by Lady Electra
Summary: An electric Rodent gets into the studio and Dan mistakes the guest for an Apette...they both make for a little trouble but it's funny


Fade in.  
  
(Kelly and Rachel are in the break room discussing the show).  
  
Kelly (sipping coffee): So who's tonight's guest?  
  
Rachel: I think it's another one of the Apettes, but I'm not sure.  
  
Kelly: *laugh* Wonder if Jason will pull the same stunt here as he did in last ep?  
  
Rachel: Maybe, that all depends if the sensors don't get on our butts about the frying pan and katana sword stunts.  
  
Kelly: Well it's not like they can do anything about it, those two things are in their contracts. With out them, they don't do the show, and then we don't have comedy relief.  
  
Rachel: Oh, I think we could swing it with you and the boiling water joke.  
  
Kelly: AH! Why won't you let me forget that (buries face in hands)!  
  
(Suddenly there's a soft squeak, shortly there after Dan runs into the room holding a net)  
  
Dan: Where is it! Where is that little rodent?  
  
Rachel: Where's what?  
  
Dan (looks under table): The Tophetian Electrical Mungos mungo (continues to look around room).  
  
Rachel: Ugh...Dan, what the heck is that?  
  
Dan (creeping around corner): It's an electric mongoose.  
  
Kelly: Well I think it's safe to say that Dan's lost it.  
  
Dan (slamming net down): A-ha! Damn (runs out of room)! Come back you little freak of nature!  
  
Kelly: Hmmm, do you think it's too late to get a new host?  
  
Rachel: It's never to late, but who'd willingly sign the release forms?  
  
Kelly: You're right I guess.  
  
(Just then the sound of the Psycho Chick laughing cuts through the air like a chain saw)  
  
Rachel: Sound's like Laurie got back from the photo shop.  
  
Kelly: I smell a law suite, we do have the lawyer's number on speed dial right?  
  
(Rachel nods, then looks up at the clock, and motions for the doorway. They get up and walk out of the room)  
  
Fade out.  
Fade in.  
  
(As the lights come up we see co-host sitting on couch. The host is nowhere to bee seen)  
  
Elizabeth: Hello and welcome to the fifth edition of Trooper Chat. I'm you're co-host Elizabeth Clark...as for Dan I have no clue where he is.  
  
(Squeak heard from behind couch)  
  
Dan (runs out from left stage): All right you little static charged fur ball. I'm gonna turn you into a hand warmer.  
  
(He dives behind the couch and there's a bright flash of light. Dan crawls out singed and smoking)  
  
Elizabeth: Dan are you okay?  
  
Dan: Yeah, but I'm gonna catch that little rodent if it kills me.  
  
Kim (off stage): The producers are gonna kill us all if you two don't start.  
  
Laurie (runs up onto stage): Hold on. I wanna show you all something first. I just got some photos from the first show back today. And look at this (holds up and 8x10" glossy of Sgt. Brutto in his fairy costume).  
  
(Cut to rec room in the Valley Forge. Everyone looks towards the back of the room where he's standing)  
  
Brutto (glaring): Not a word!  
  
(Cut to Brutto household)  
  
Max (shocked): DAD!!  
  
Wife (startled): Sweetheart?  
  
(Cut back to Trooper Chat set)  
  
Laurie: You want them, you got them. But I'm gonna keep the negatives (walks off stage).  
  
Dan: Bob! Get the lawyers, we're gonna need them before this show is over with!  
  
Bob (off stage): Okay *doors swish open and shut*.  
  
Elizabeth: Okay, let's get on with the show. Tonight's guest is LT. Allerka.  
  
(Dan and Elizabeth stand to greet guest. Allerka walks out, waves to the crowd, and sits next to Dan)  
  
Dan: You're not an Apette are you?  
  
Allerka: Do I look like an Apette to you?  
  
Dan: Rachel! You're the one who's supposed to know these things! Now the questions won't work!  
  
Rachel (off stage): Then do what real hosts do! Improvise!  
  
Dan: Fine! Okay, welcome to Trooper Chat Allerka.  
  
Allerka: Thanks for having me.  
  
Elizabeth: So...what group are you from?  
  
Allerka: I'm from Allerka's Antagonists, obviously.  
  
(Jason comes running out of right stage swinging his frying pan; he tries to hit Allerka, but a flash is seen, and Allerka is standing, a sword in his left hand, half the frying pan on the floor.)  
  
Jason: HEY! What did you do to my frying pan.  
  
Allerka: Oh, um. Sorry. Just defending myself.  
  
Dan: *shrugs* Sorry, Jason.  
  
Jason (grins evilly as he draws a new frying pan): Then I'll just have to whack you two (repeatedly hits Dan and Elizabeth over the head the bounces happily off stage)!  
  
Dan (rubbing head): Is this gonna happen every stinkin' show?  
  
  
(Without being called Nurse Logan walks onto the stage and hands them the aspirin)  
  
Nurse Logan (walking off): I should get paid for this.  
  
Elizabeth: Who knows...well let's get on with the show. So, what first got you into Roughnecks?  
  
Allerka: I like CGI shows and one day I was watching Monster Rancher. My bro then said to see what was on next, so I said okay. I saw the intro, and thought it was Starship Troopers from the warrior bugs, I watched it, liked it, and I've been hooked ever since. (mumbles to himself)How many years   
ago was that? I think about 45 thous-well, anyway!  
  
Dan: Um, ok. So who happens to be you're favorite character on the show?  
  
Allerka: Hmmm, it's gotta be a tie between Razak, Dizzy, Higgins, and Rico.  
  
Jason (off stage): Laurie, do we have enough toilet paper to do that?  
  
Laurie (off stage): We could always steal some form the officers head, and flush all the toilets too. I hear Lt. Walker takes his showers at this time. Ah crud the old one's acting up again. Hit him.  
  
(A *thunk* is heard from off stage followed by something hitting the floor like a sack full of bricks)  
  
Allerka: Should we worry about what they could be doing?  
  
Dan: Don't mind them, they're shy a couple brain cells. So, why are these troopers your faves?  
  
Allerka: Well, Razak and Dizzy remind me of myself, somewhat, and I just kinda like Rico and Higgins.  
  
Elizabeth: So what's you're weapon of choice for catching these guys?  
  
Allerka: Ummm, I don't know what you're talking about...so I'm gonna have to pass on that one.  
  
Dan: Don't worry about it. That was one of the Apette questions.  
  
Allerka: Ah.  
  
Elizabeth: Well...I think it's about time we started the skit.  
  
Allerka: Skit?  
  
Fade out  
Fade in  
  
(Kim, Kelly and Allerka are standing in front of a house and white picket fence)  
  
Kim: Hello, and welcome to Better Homes and Foxholes. Today I'll be showing you how roses brighten up any home, but how they also can be used to conceal anything from openings to secret passages, to Y-K6 Mobile Launcher with extra missiles or any firepower, short of a Marauder.  
  
Kelly: How are we gonna do that?  
  
Allerka: I'm not sure I wanna know.  
  
Kim: I'm so glad you asked Kelly, it's very simple you see (walks over to side of house where there's a ton of roses that have yet to be planted). You just put these over the hole.  
  
Kelly: Kim, I could've thought of that and I'm the ditz, remember?  
  
Allerka: Can I go yet?  
  
Everyone (but Kelly and Kim/ off stage): NO WAY!  
  
Allerka: *sigh* Just asking.  
  
(Just as Kim picks up one of the rose plants there's a flash of light brown fur and it dashes inside the house)  
  
Dan (runs into house): I knew if I waited long enough you'd come out. Now I've got you my pretty.  
  
Allerka: What was that?  
  
(Sounds of crashing objected from inside the house along with Dan cursing like a fleet officer are heard from outside)  
  
Kelly: It seems that we've got an alien rodent problem and Dan's out to solve it.  
  
Allerka (raised eyebrow): Alien rodent problem?  
  
Kim: Long story, you're better off not knowing. Okay, now back to the skit. Taking the first rose plant, you place it on the center of what you want to hide, then taking the rest of the plants, arrange then in a circular patter   
(demonstrates what she's talking about).  
  
(Kelly and Allerka look up to see Jason and Laurie dragging a roller cart with four human shaped figures standing on it who have been mummified with toilet paper. They both looked quite pleased with themselves and are laughing)  
  
Jason: I've never seen someone so red in my entire life.  
  
Laurie: And the whole thing with running into General Redwing, talk about adding insult to injury.  
  
Kelly: What are you talking about?  
  
Jason: Nothing to worry about. For I Jason the Intel Fairy have just got my revenge! Oh here Allerka, these are for you *points to figures*. We hope you like them.  
  
Allerka: *blink* *blink* Um...  
  
(Just then the wall behind them explodes. When the smoke and dust clears Max Brutto walks in)  
  
Laurie (drops katana): Hello!  
  
Max: Okay, which one of you weirdo's has the photo's of my dad?!  
  
Laurie (walks up): That would be me, would you care to discuses it over dinner?  
  
Max: Just give me the photos, I wanna get out of this asylum ASAP.  
  
Laurie (pulls out a lasso): Sorry, but I can't let you do that.  
  
Max: Why not?  
  
Laurie (wicked grin): Because...  
  
(Max suddenly has an epiphany and starts running; the Psycho Chick gives chase)  
  
Kim: We better get back to the show, now!  
  
Fade out  
Fade in  
  
(Elizabeth and Allerka are sitting on the couch, again the host is nowhere in sight)  
  
Elizabeth: Welcome once again to Trooper Chat, if you're just joining us, tonight's guest is LT. Allerka, from Allerka's Antagonists. So continuing with the questions from earlier in the show, what would you do if you ever caught your favorite Roughneck?  
  
Allerka: I think that's another question better left up to the Apettes.  
  
Elizabeth: Yeah. Hey Rach, you've got to get some new questions for the non-Apette guests.  
  
Rachel (off stage): You try coming up with questions!  
  
Elizabeth: How hard can it be? It's certainly not as hard as being the co-host.  
  
Rachel (storms on stage): Elizabeth, have you ever thought why you're the co-host and not the host?  
  
Kelly (off stage): C'mon you guys, you're sisters, stop fighting.  
  
Rachel/ Elizabeth: SHUT UP!!  
  
(As Rachel and Elizabeth continue to argue Dan comes walking across the stage holding his prize electric rodent)  
  
Allerka: Umm aren't't you going to finish the show?  
  
Dan: First I'm gonna see about keeping this little guy, he's kinda cute.  
  
(He walks off set and Max runs across, being chased by the Psycho Chick now on a horse)  
  
Max: Whatever I did to deserve this, I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!!!!!  
  
Laurie (pulls back on reins): Playing hard to get...I like that in a guy(starts horse again). You're not getting away from me that easily!  
  
Allerka: Umm...since no one else is gonna do it I will...see you all next time...I guess. *Gets up and is gone in a flash*  
  
Fade out.   
  



End file.
